Working of Succesful Marriage
In Part one of this series, I described the fears of refusal and engulfment which underpin relationship issues. In Part two of this 5-part series, I offered a simplified version of the 6 Step restorative process of Inner Bonding : one.
Eagerness two. Select the intention to learn three. Dialogue with the feelings four.
Take loving action six. Appraise the action. Part two described what it suggests to be in Step One what it implies to be content to feel your emotions and accept responsibility for them, instead of turn to protecting, controlling behaviour. Part three described what it implies to be in Step 2 - selecting the intention to learn - using Joan's and Justin's wedding as an example. Part four described how Joan used Steps three and four of Inner Bonding to address the problems in her wedding, discovering her sentiments and behaviour that were causing her agony, and discovering the truth and loving action. Now Joan moves into Step five taking the loving action. She stops whinging Justin and starts looking after her self.
Rather than always waiting for Justin to come back home, she makes plans to have dinner with a couple of her fiances. When she returns from dinner, she's delighted to see Justin and he's delighted to see her. He's particularly pleased to see that she's ecstatic instead of irritated with him.
Joan signs up for a dancing and gets back in practicing the piano. On those evenings when she has nothing planned, she gets into reading her puzzle stories, which she likes. As Joan takes these loving actions in her very own behalf, she moves into Step six of Inner Bonding - tuning in to how she's feeling. She spots that she is not feeling concerned, alone, and resentful.
As an alternative she's feeling contented and relaxed irrespective of whether or not Justin is there! Much to Joan's surprise, she finds that Justin isn't working such boring hours. She sees that what her Direction told her is correct that Justin does love her and wants to be with her, although not when she's needy and resentful. By looking after herself, Joan has fully modified the relationship dynamic between her and Justin without ever even talking with Justin about it! By looking after herself rather than making Justin accountable for her contentment and feeling of value, her fear of refusal is well on the path to being healed. So long as she was rejecting herself, she would be reactive to Justin not being there.
In no longer deserting herself, she no longer feels deserted by Justin. While Justin hasn't done the inner work to cure his fears of refusal and engulfment which he might or might not do his fears have lessoned due to Joan's loving behaviour toward herself and toward him. Because his fears are not getting caused by Joan, he would like to spend some more time with her. If he learned to practice the Inner Bonding process, he could learn the way to do this, but Joan has no control of whether he selects to do his inner work. So long as Joan continues to take loving care of herself, she will be able to create her very own contentment inside her wedding, and not be invested in whether Justin opens to studying about himself. If Justin had continued to work dull hours and showed little interest in having a closer relationship with Joan, then at some specific point Joan might have made a decision to leave the relationship. But most individuals leave far too quickly. If, after doing this for a good time period, your companion is still irritated, distant and not available, you may consider leaving. Frequently it takes only 1 partner to switch a dysfunctional relationship system. Before deciding that your wedding can not ever be what you need it to be, try practicing the 6 Steps of Inner Bonding. You may be staggered by the results!